Catharsis.

I decided that my New Year's resolution was to be more honest with myself and those surrounding me. I have to. I need to.

Because it's just been a ridiculous ongoing battle between my words and my thoughts and they never, ever seem to agree with one another. On one hand, my thoughts are very eloquent and somewhat romantic. My words, on the other hand, refuse to be. So I meet the two with the middle ground of "written" and I hope it works; I have absolutely nothing left if it doesn't.

I'm not this person. I am fun, I am sarcastic, I am closed off, I am secure.
I'm secure with being distant; I'm secure with being unpenetrable.

But I'm not. I'm not and I, myself refuse to believe it but it's blatant and it's in my face and I've been extremely selfish or extremely naive if I've never seen it before.

I need more; I'm someone that needs more. But I'm just not honest enough with myself to admit that. Excuse me if I'm sounding pathetic but I have really never felt like this before. I've never felt this constant pull, this constant need to be so close with someone else that it spills over ito almost every aspect of my life.


It started with these dreams.
Actually, it started a while ago but for the sake of this revelation, it started with the dreams.

Am I really that irresponsible with my own emotions that it takes my subconcious to prompt me to act?

Yeah, yes I am.
And I know I'm saying a lot without really saying anything but I just do not know where to go from here. Just because I have a plan and a list and a will and a way doesn't mean it's going to happen, but something, ANYTHING has to happen.

I need some kind of reason; I need some kind of closure. I need some kind of hope that this will turn out positively and everything will either go back to normal or the universe will align itself in such a way that everything goes as I want it to.

But it won't, because the universe is a cold, cheeky bastard with a hidden agenda.



So I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I know that I need to just be honest with myself, first. And then I can attempt to be honest with everyone else.